Helping a Victim

Know of someone that is or may be a victim of abuse? Here are some things to remember

Helping a victim of domestic violence can be a very rewarding experience. Many victims suffer in silence out of fear or because they have no one available that they can turn to.

If you are a friend or family member, please allow me to say "Thank You" for being there for that victim. You are a special person.

It is very important that you have a basic knowledge of the dynamics and cycles of domestic violence. Please see our domestic violence information page. Keeping yourself informed will allow you to maximize the help that you offer. It will also help in keeping you and the victim that you are working with safer.

It is very important that the victim can feel safe in confiding in you. Confidentiality is a must! Choosing to share the name or any details of the situation (including name of children can potentially place them at great risk)

The only exception to this rule is in a situation where you believe that someone maybe suicidal, homicidal and when child abuse is known or suspected! If this is the case, contact your local law enforcement or dial 911

If you feel that you need advice or assistance in dealing with a situation please contact your local shelter or The National Domestic Violence Hotline for more information on what to do.

As a support person, we need to remember that the victim will have to live with any choices that they make. It is not up to us to tell them what to do, fix the problem, try to reason with the abuser or give up on the victim because they might not leave at the same point and time that we might.

Never minimize the danger to her. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, when you are working with a victim that is reluctant to leave or is considering returning to a violent situation: Let her know that you are concerned by saying something such as "I'm very concerned for your safety and the safety of your children"...."It will only get worse"...."I am here for you when you are ready to leave"...."You deserve better than this"...."there are people who can help you.

Be there with a listening ear. Let her know that you believe her. Remind her that it is not her fault and that she is not alone. Provide her with current resources available to her.

Encourage her to find a personal counselor and a domestic violence support group.

Couples dealing with domestic violence should NEVER go through couple counseling together (this includes pastoral counseling) or see the same therapist. Suggest that she ask her potential counselor if she/he is trained and experienced in dealing with domestic violence issues.

Help her develop a safety plan and be willing to hold on to it for her so that the abuser will not find it.

Leaving a violent relationship is most dangerous time. Most murders happen when the victim tries to leave or has left the abuser.

It take the average victim 7 - 9 attempts at leaving the relationship before she can break free.

If there are children are involved, providing a place where they can play and have normal 'kid time' can be invaluable. It can mean the world to a small child when an adult takes time to show them that they are loved.

Just as you would not judge a women held hostage at gunpoint in a robbery (you would not ask them 'why don't you just leave?) don't judge a victim held hostage by domestic violence!

If you share a mutual friendship with both the victim and abuser, do not ask him to confirm what she is saying. This can intensify his anger and feeling as he has lost control of the situation and actually place her in great danger!

Let her know that she did nothing to 'cause' him to do this to her. She is a victim in this situation. Abusive behavior is a choice. It is not a case of him 'just loosing his temper for a moment' and it's not because 'he's just very stressed right now'. The abuser made the choice to abuse the victim! It was no accident!

Regularly remind her to take good care of herself. Have ideas in mind. Read a book, listen to relaxing music, take a bubble bath by candlelight and so. Questions like these might be good 'What are you going to do today that is just for you?' 'What did you do just for you today?' Let her know that she deserves time to pamper herself

Most people ask that famous question "why doesn't she just leave?" Implying that she is the one to blame...... when in fact the question should be.....
"Why does he choose to abuse her?!"

Below are some good examples of 'why' leaving is not easy. This was found at the 'Family Violence Prevention Fund' web site.

Why doesn't she just leave?

There are lots of reasons that it can be difficult to get out of a violent relationship. A batterer doesn't usually start hitting his wife or girlfriend out of the blue -- it usually starts after a history of verbal and emotional abuse: insulting her and chipping away at her sense of self-worth. Typically, by the time the physical violence begins, her self-esteem is seriously damaged. Usually, violence isn't constant but comes in cycles, with a "honeymoon" period after the violent episode when the batterer says that he's sorry and that it will never happen again. The victim might really love her partner -- she probably just wants the violence to end, not the whole relationship. She may also think that she can change him.

And there are other factors as well: the victim may fear for her life. She may have financial worries, and fear for the safety of her children.

It takes a lot of courage to end any relationship. If there's violence involved, it can take a whole lot more.

If you are in a violent relationship and need help, call 1-800-799-SAFE

CLICK HERE AND GO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE INFORMATION

MESSAGE / PRAYER BOARDS

This page is for those who are trying to help a victim of domestic violence Here you will find useful in helping a victim of domestic violence. Please also see our page on domestic violence. Remember the importance of informing yourself thoroughly on domestic violence dynamics along with the information below.
Know of someone that is or may be a victim of abuse? Here are some things to remember Helping a victim of domestic violence can be a very rewarding experience. Many victims suffer in silence out of fear or because they have no one available that they can turn to. If you are a friend or family member, please allow me to say "Thank You" for being there for that victim. You are a special person. It is very important that you have a basic knowledge of the dynamics and cycles of domestic violence. Please see our domestic violence information page. Keeping yourself informed will allow you to maximize the help that you offer. It will also help in keeping you and the victim that you are working with safer. It is very important that the victim can feel safe in confiding in you. Confidentiality is a must! Choosing to share the name or any details of the situation (including name of children can potentially place them at great risk) The only exception to this rule is in a situation where you believe that someone maybe suicidal, homicidal and when child abuse is known or suspected! If this is the case, contact your local law enforcement or dial 911 If you feel that you need advice or assistance in dealing with a situation please contact your local shelter or The National Domestic Violence Hotline for more information on what to do. As a support person, we need to remember that the victim will have to live with any choices that they make. It is not up to us to tell them what to do, fix the problem, try to reason with the abuser or give up on the victim because they might not leave at the same point and time that we might. Never minimize the danger to her. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, when you are working with a victim that is reluctant to leave or is considering returning to a violent situation: Let her know that you are concerned by saying something such as "I'm very concerned for your safety and the safety of your children"...."It will only get worse"...."I am here for you when you are ready to leave"...."You deserve better than this"...."there are people who can help you. Be there with a listening ear. Let her know that you believe her. Remind her that it is not her fault and that she is not alone. Provide her with current resources available to her. Encourage her to find a personal counselor and a domestic violence support group. Couples dealing with domestic violence should NEVER go through couple counseling together (this includes pastoral counseling) or see the same therapist. Suggest that she ask her potential counselor if she/he is trained and experienced in dealing with domestic violence issues. Help her develop a safety plan and be willing to hold on to it for her so that the abuser will not find it. Leaving a violent relationship is most dangerous time. Most murders happen when the victim tries to leave or has left the abuser. It take the average victim 7 - 9 attempts at leaving the relationship before she can break free. If there are children are involved, providing a place where they can play and have normal 'kid time' can be invaluable. It can mean the world to a small child when an adult takes time to show them that they are loved. Just as you would not judge a women held hostage at gunpoint in a robbery (you would not ask them 'why don't you just leave?) don't judge a victim held hostage by domestic violence! If you share a mutual friendship with both the victim and abuser, do not ask him to confirm what she is saying. This can intensify his anger and feeling as he has lost control of the situation and actually place her in great danger! Let her know that she did nothing to 'cause' him to do this to her. She is a victim in this situation. Abusive behavior is a choice. It is not a case of him 'just loosing his temper for a moment' and it's not because 'he's just very stressed right now'. The abuser made the choice to abuse the victim! It was no accident! Regularly remind her to take good care of herself. Have ideas in mind. Read a book, listen to relaxing music, take a bubble bath by candlelight and so. Questions like these might be good 'What are you going to do today that is just for you?' 'What did you do just for you today?' Let her know that she deserves time to pamper herself Most people ask that famous question "why doesn't she just leave?" Implying that she is the one to blame...... when in fact the question should be..... "Why does he choose to abuse her?!" Below are some good examples of 'why' leaving is not easy. This was found at the 'Family Violence Prevention Fund' web site. Why doesn't she just leave? There are lots of reasons that it can be difficult to get out of a violent relationship. A batterer doesn't usually start hitting his wife or girlfriend out of the blue -- it usually starts after a history of verbal and emotional abuse: insulting her and chipping away at her sense of self-worth. Typically, by the time the physical violence begins, her self-esteem is seriously damaged. Usually, violence isn't constant but comes in cycles, with a "honeymoon" period after the violent episode when the batterer says that he's sorry and that it will never happen again. The victim might really love her partner -- she probably just wants the violence to end, not the whole relationship. She may also think that she can change him. And there are other factors as well: the victim may fear for her life. She may have financial worries, and fear for the safety of her children. It takes a lot of courage to end any relationship. If there's violence involved, it can take a whole lot more. If you are in a violent relationship and need help, call 1-800-799-SAFE CLICK HERE AND GO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE INFORMATION MESSAGE / PRAYER BOARDS			Faith Based Support People The same information to the left applies. However, here are some additional facts to consider..... Abuse is abuse. It carries the same level of danger and damage to a victim! Abusers do not have to have a specific 'look' to them in order to be dangerous. They do not have to 'seem' like the abusive type to you in order to be dangerous! Abusers often are very well respected an prominent member of churches and society. This makes it even more difficult for the victim to remain safe. Because we live in a fallen world and because we are dealing with other humans, we deal with sin. Abuse is sin. Abuse is just that.... abuse! No matter who the abuser is or which church that he attends. Domestic violence and abuse are powerful tools of the enemy! Thousands of victims of domestic violence have not only walked away from church, but from God because of the lack of concern and love for them. Tragically In situations like these, it is very easy to confuse God's love with the church's lack of love and concern. Many times it has been said "if this is the way the church feels, then God must feel the same way too!" Abusers are very skilled manipulators, he is likely to minimize his behavior. Abusers often lie about and deny their behavior. It is often very convincing. He may say that she is mentally ill, making it up or that she starts the fight Many abusers will twist things around so that it appears that she is the one that is abusive. He may even attempt to get you to 'side with and help him' thus making you ones of his tools of abuse! Some churches have even been so manipulated by an abuser that they will testify in his behalf or provide letters as a character witness for the abuser. Believe it or not, some churches have even provided funding for legal expenses and defense for abusive church members. While at the same time, placing the blame on the victim and giving pastoral direction that puts her at great risk of harm! Telling the victim to remain in submission and to try harder to be a better wife, try not to do things to upset him and so forth. Do NOT ever give him information as to where she may be staying if she has left the family home! Remind her who she is in Christ! Remind her that God loves her deeply and that he does care about what has been happening to her. That God has seen with His own eyes, everything that has happened to her and that He will hold her abuser accountable! Remind her that the abuse is in NO way a representation of God's kind of love for her or the quality of life that He wants to give her. Remind her that she did not break up the marriage, it is not her fault. It was the choice of violence made by her abuser that broke the marriage covenant. God is a God of love, He will NOT punish us for keeping one's self safe from danger! Be supportive, empathetic, accessible and helpful. Pray with her and pray for her. Protect her safety, do not place her or any details of the situation on a prayer chain without her permission first! This could place her at risk if others found out and spoke to him about it Without releasing details or reasons, encourage others in your church to get informed about domestic violence. God's house should always be a safe place for everyone, especially the wounded! If you have any questions or would like more information on how to get your congregation informed on issues of domestic violence, we have faith based material and resources available. Please see the Domestic Violence page on our web site. CLICK HERE AND GO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE INFORMATION SIGN THE 'ZERO TOLERANCE PROCLAMATION!' MESSAGE / PRAYER BOARDS
Personal Safety Plans A personal safety plans is very important information to cover with the victim that you are helping. Please visit our 'favorite links page' when you are finished collecting the information that you need on domestic violence. We have provided a link to another domestic violence site that has a 'personal safety plan' that you can print.			While you're trying to find the right words, your friend may be trying to stay alive!
			If the noise coming from next door were loud music, You'd do something about it!

	Helping Victim A Of Domestic Violence
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