What Domestic Violence Looks Like

Domestic Violence occurs when one person believes that they have a right to use whatever methods to gain and maintain control over the other

They may blame their victim, their job, the fact that they had a 'bad day' or try to use other excuses for abuse.

Abusers use many tactics: Verbal, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, Child Custody/Visitation, Financial, Isolation, and Sexual.

Domestic violence is NOT about an anger management problem, it is about power and control.

Battering is NOT simply a momentary loss of temper or loss of control. Abuse is a choice!

Even with intervention, abusers seldom will change for the better, in fact abuse usually gets worse with time.

Anyone can be an abuser, however, statistically it is men battering women.

Abusers do not have a specific look. They can be wearing three piece suits or dirty scruffy rags. They can be unemployed, blue collar workers or high profile members of society such as lawyers, judges, pastors, elders in a church, celebrities and so forth. You can't tell if an abuser is an abuser by looking at him if he abuses.

Abusers are very skilled and manipulative, they can fool many people. Many people may defend him by saying 'well he did not seem like an abuser type to me" Abusers can be very believable people, that is why their victim usually trusts his judgment

FACTS

A woman is beaten every 15 seconds. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, Report to the nation on Crime and Justice. The Data. Washington DC Office of Justice Program, US Dept. of Justice. Oct 1983)

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between ages 15 and 44 in the united States - more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. (Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1991)

Battered women are more likely to suffer miscarriages and to give birth to babies with low birth weights. (Surgeon General, United States, 1992)

Sixty-three percent of the young men between the ages of 11 and 20 who are serving time for homicide have killed their mother's abuser. (March of Dimes, 1992)

"One in five women victimized by their spouses or ex-spouses report they had been victimized over and over again by the same person." (The Basics of Batterer Treatment, Common Purpose, Inc., Jamaica Plain, MA)

Women of all cultures, races, occupations, income levels, and ages are battered - by husbands, boyfriends, lovers and partners. (Surgeon General Antonia Novello, as quoted in Domestic Violence: Battered Women, publication of the Reference Department of the Cambridge Public Library, Cambridge, MA)

"Approximately one-third of the men counseled (for battering) at Emerge are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and their communities. these have included doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives. (For Shelter and Beyond, Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Boston, MA 1990)

Battered women are often severely injured - 22 to 35 percent of women who visit medical emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing partner abuse. (David Adams, "Identifying the Assaultive Husband in Court: You be the Judge." Boston Bar Journal, 33-4, July/August 1989)

One in four pregnant women have a history of partner violence. (Journal of the American Medical Association, 1992)

Women who leave their batterers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay. (Barbara Hart, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1988),P.
Nationally, 50 percent of all homeless women and children are on the streets because of violence in the home. (Senator Joseph Biden, U.S. Senate Committee on the Judiciary, Violence Against Women: Victims of the System, 1991)

There are nearly three times as many animal shelters in the United States as there are shelters for battered women and their children. (Senate Judiciary Hearings, Violence Against Women Act, 1990)

TYPES OF ABUSE: Emotional, Financial, Spiritual, Physical, Social and Sexual

EMOTIONAL ABUSE:

Also known as verbal or mental abuse. This is the most common form of domestic violence and this is where all other types of abuse usually begin. It includes:

1. Ignoring your feelings
2. Ridiculing your beliefs
3. Withholding approval
4. Manipulating you with lies
5. Threatening to have affairs
6. Boasting about affairs
7. Humiliating you
8. Insulting your parenting skills
9. Insulting your friends
10. Isolating you
11. Name calling
12. Abusing your pets
13. Making you think you are crazy
14. Treating you like a servant
15. Threatening to leave you
16. Forcing you to do illegal things
17. Making you afraid
18. Destroying property
19. Displaying weapons
20. Blaming you for the abuse
21. Threatening to take the kids away from you
22. Threatening to have child welfare to take kids
23. Denying abuse
24. Being abusive and then telling victim that she is the abuser
25. Threatening to have her arrested to if she calls
the police to report abuse
26. Threatening to have kids taken away when police
show up if she reports him abusing her.
27. Hitting himself and then accusing her of doing
it, threatening to have her arrested.
28. Not allowing you to sleep, constantly waking you up
29. Destruction of personal property 30. Throwing things
31. Punching wall 32. Subjecting you to dangerous driving
33. Threats of suicide
34. Threats of abusing child(ren)
35. Embarrass you with bad names and put downs
36. Talk you into or force you to drop charges
37. Involve others in your fights?
38. Tell you that he would not 'have to' if you.....
39. Acts like the abuse is your fault.
40. Does he act like the abuse is no big deal?
41. Does he deny doing it saying you made it up?
42. Make all the decisions.
43. Look at you in ways that scares you?
44. Threaten to leave you?
45. Fantasize out loud to you about killing you?
46. Play mind games?
47. Threaten to hurt your family or friends?
48. Tell you that if he can't have you, no one will?
49. Make you lie to the police about what he did?
50. Tell police/others that you are the abuser

SOCIAL ABUSE:

Offender often will use this method to isolate a victim from her friends and families (support people). When this happens, and she is isolated, it makes it easier for him to make her see the world through his eyes only. This makes her forget what normal behavior may look like....

1. Controlling what you do, who you see and talk to.
2. Monitoring or forbidding telephone calls
3. Limiting your reading material 4. Not permitting visits from your friends or family.
5. Preventing you from driving
6. Questioning your every move.
7. Using jealousy to justify his actions.
8. Monitoring your use of the internet
9. Monitoring your mileage with or without your knowledge.
10. Making people think that you are crazy or that you are the abusive one.


CRAZY MAKING:

Crazy making can literally make a victim question her own sanity making her think that she is mentally ill. Examples of crazy making could be.... the abuser beating her up and then denying it, saying that she did it to herself..... saying something and then later denying it...... moving something from one place to another and then telling her that she was the one that moved it..... looking up at her and asking her what she just said when she really had said nothing at all, moving on to actually convincing her that she had said something she had not.

This form of abuse eventually takes it's toll, leaving her questioning her sanity. Keeping her off guard and worn down makes it much easier for him to convince her that she has a problem, that she is the problem and not him. This helps him maintain control over the situation, keeping her positioned exactly where he wants her.... a target for his abuse! Not only making her believe that she is at fault but that she deserves it and that no one else could ever want or love her.

FINANCIAL ABUSE:

1. Giving you an allowance
2. Not allowing you to spend money without permission
3. Making you account for every cent
4. Making you hand over your paycheck
5. Not allowing you to get a job
6. Keeping you from maintaining a job by harassing you at work.
7. Refusing to allow you attend schooling


SPIRITUAL ABUSE:

Abusers tend to twist specific scriptures around to justify their domination over their female partner. Some abusers will force participation in behavior contrary to her values and beliefs. Examples include: 1. Making you believe that it would be against Christian standards to ever consider leaving or divorcing him because of violence.
4. Forcing you to change faiths against your will.
5. Throwing your Bible at or towards you.
6. Throwing away or destroying your Bible.
7. Ridiculing your faith in front of your children
8. Forbidding you to share your faith with others
9. Forcing you to wear a certain type of dress or hair style.
10. Forcing sex upon you (raping) using the excuse that it is part of your 'Christian wife duty'
11. Misusing his headship over household business and family matters.
12. Getting the pastor and other church members involved to keep you in an unsafe situation

God does NOT ever condone domestic violence. God gives specific direction to husbands about how they should treat their wives. God is against the violent man!

PHYSICAL ABUSE:

1. Pushing-hitting-slapping-kicking-choking-biting-throwing you.
2. Locking you out of the house and denying you shelter.
3. Denying you adequate food and needed medication.
4. Sleep depravation.

SEXUAL ABUSE:

1. Forcing of unwanted or declined sexual acts
2. Making you dress in and uncomfortable way.
3. Calling you sexual names.
4. Forcing you to strip.
5. Accusing you have having sex with any available person.
6. Forcing you to participate in unwanted nude photos.